00:00 And so to bed...
Julie: We're now moving on to how to feel confident in bed again.
We've discussed ways that you can feel more confident online and on dates, but how do you keep that confidence up in the bedroom?
First though, we'd love you to answer our next survey question.
Do you think sex is a vital part of a relationship?
Again, just answer yes or no. Do you think sex is a vital part of a relationship?
Kate: I do.
Julie: Do you?
Kate Yeah.
I was thinking about this about the other day because I think one of the brilliant things… sorry, don't let me influence your answers.
But I think without sex, especially when you get married and everything, they're just like this vaguely annoying flatmate, aren't they?
I think sex is like a lovely reset button.
Julie: Reset is really good.
Sex can be very, very healing.
But we mustn't influence the answer.
So back to the script.
How do we keep that confidence up in the bedroom?
Kate: So like I kind of mentioned earlier, Ourtime Research found that you lot are usually quite confident.
Well, 24% of the over 50 daters are confident to have sex with the lights on compared to just 9% of daters under 50.
We also found that age 53 is the year when we're most likely to feel sexually confident and have the strongest mojo.
Julie: You're 53 next year.
Kate: I am. Look out, Britain.
So 76% of us will still struggle with sexual confidence, especially I think when we're starting over with a new partner.
Julie: So if you're a strictly blackout-blind lover, here is what to do.
Boost your body confidence in bed
Kate: So this is all going to be about boosting your body confidence in bed.
Julie: I think it's pretty common to suffer from body confidence issues in bed, isn't it?
Kate: I think so because even if you're kind of pretty confident when you're fully dressed, when you do get into the bedroom and have to undress, I think it makes you feel vulnerable.
Julie: Yeah, getting your kit off the first time especially… this can be anybody, really, or everybody.
Kate: But I think sexual body confidence is something that if you suffer from it, you feel like no one else does, like everyone else has completely got a handle on it and they're absolutely fine and you're the only one.
But I'd like to assure you that we're not. None of us are like that.
And also the more you like the person you're going to bed with, the more you're going to worry about your body. Or not worry about your body, but the more keen you're going to be for them to like your body. So you're going to think about it in that I really hope they like this or I really hope they don't run out, that kind of thing.
So it's an issue that even if you felt really good, as soon as you meet someone that you like, it might start coming up for you then.
Body confidence is about vulnerability and it triggers our fear of being rejected.
Because you can imagine, you naked is about the most vulnerable that you can be, and you're worried that someone is going to reject that because that is the true you.
And that's why we worry about it.
Julie: Especially when we're a bit older.
You might be really buff when you're younger and super confident, but when you're a bit older, gravity sets in.
Kate: It doesn't help.
I don't know because probably when we were 20s, we probably had probably less confidence than we do now.
It's just one of those things.
I think if you've been single for a while or if you've been with one partner for a while and then you're on the dating scene again, I think that I've got to be naked again in front of someone else, that's…
Julie: It's really hard. So what can we do?
Kate: So these are things that I found work the fastest.
Exercice
Kate: So the first thing I want you to do, you don't have to do this now, don't worry, exercise.
Exercise helps to tone you up, but that's not the only reason that we're going to be doing it.
Another amazing benefit of exercise is that it raises your testosterone level.
Testosterone will start to dip naturally after the age of 40 for men and women, and that will have a big effect on your confidence because it's one of the places that we get confidence from.
It's a very motivating hormone.
It's a very sort of positive dynamic hormone.
And when that starts dipping, your confidence can kind of go with it.
Weightlifting is a really good exercise to do.
Julie: Really?
Kate: Yeah. You've got to get your dumbbells out.
Weightlifting is a brilliant thing to do to boost your testosterone levels. But it doesn't have to necessarily need to be the whole dumbbell thing, it's like weight resistance could be good.
So press-ups would be an absolutely brilliant thing to do.
If none of that appeals to you at all, then please get outside and walk in the sunshine because just 20 minutes of sunshine on your skin a day can boost your testosterone for the rest of the day.
Julie: Can I get my 20 minutes of sunshine lying by the pool with a margarita?
Kate: You can, but why not do some lunges as well because it's really for your inner thighs.
Julie: Spoilsport.
Preparation
Kate: Another thing or another really easy way to boost your sexual body confidence is preparation.
So being prepared to show your body is a brilliant way to get more confidence, and it's one of the reasons that sex therapists often advise that people schedule sex into their calendar so like couples will know that Wednesday night is going to be party time.
So being prepared makes you deal with any issues that might otherwise rock your confidence in advance.
So you can do things like you can prepare your body, you can get a wax or a spray tan.
And it can't just be me who feels a stone lighter when they got some fake tan on.
You can get the underwear that shows off all the bits that you like but kind of skims over the bits that you're not really too happy with.
You can make sure that your bed linen is in one of your good colors.
Julie: Really?
Kate: I used to have red sheets. And then I saw myself with my red hair against the red sheets, it looked awful.
So they're purple now.
Julie: I got white sheets.
Boring, but they look really crisp and nice.
Kate: You probably look nice against that with your winter coloring fully worked.
You can get the lighting right in your room.
You can have that 3 o'clock afternoon sunlight coming in for that afternoon delight.
We can get candles.
Julie: Candles with a lovely sensual fragrance.
Kate: Yeah. Ylang Ylang is meant to be the best fragrance you can use to ignite your sex life.
Julie: I like that. spelled Ylang. You probably all know that. Y-L-A-N-G.
Kate: Ylang Ylang.
Mindfulness
Kate: Third tip : mindfulness.
So if you're in bed worrying what you look like, you're not going to have the best time.
You're just not. You're going to raise your cortisol, your stress levels, which is going to make it harder for you to orgasm. It's all going to start all going wrong.
You'll also probably start asking your partner things like are you enjoying this, is this right, should I stop doing that?
No. None of those things.
What I want you to do to bring out the sexual god or goddess that you were born to be is to practice mindfulness.
So what does mindfulness mean in the bedroom?
It means literally concentrating on what's happening, what you're doing to your partner, what they're doing to you, how it looks, but not in a kind of judgy way, just in a sort of "all right" way, how it feels, what it tastes like, all those kind of things.
Concentrate on what's actually happening.
Julie: Being in the moment.
Kate: Exactly. In the moment, not off in your head worrying about your bum. Okay?
Men sometimes train themselves not to be in the moment because sometimes being in the moment is so exciting that the moment can finish just like that.
If you're someone that you think might be susceptible to that, then please don't skip this step.
Instead, look at something like one of those delay sprays or delay cream that can slightly numb the action for you.
So the sensations won't be overwhelming and you can still use the mindfulness to actually enjoy what's happening, every moment of what's happening between you to stop you worrying.
Julie: Good point.
Problems in bed
Julie: Problems in bed, because that's kind of problem.
They can actually seriously affect somebody's confidence, can't they?
Kate: They can.
And I think sometimes we think about this like the men's things like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation like we just mentioned.
But don't forget that women especially in the over 50s age group can really start suffering from this as well.
Because menopause does a number on our sex life. It really does.
Because like we talked about before, your testosterone levels will drop along with your estrogen levels which can impact even how powerful your orgasms are.
So testosterone will go, your libido will go with it.
This age is a really common, I'm afraid, time for problems to start happening in bed.
Julie: Talking about testosterone, I'd just like to add that your diet can really improve your libido.
Testosterone, as Kate has mentioned, is essential for libido in both sexes.
And one of the ways to increase your testosterone levels is to eat zinc as much as you can.
So zinc is contained in red meat, in poultry, in oysters, in peanuts, in pumpkin seeds, which I love.
They all contain zinc.
So get as many of them as you can.
Or you can always take a supplement, but I always favor the real food.
Kate: That's really interesting you said that because during lockdown, I was taking loads of zinc because apparently it's really good for your immune system and I was trying to stay healthy.
And that was a lusty time.
Julie: A lusty time.
Kate: That was a lusty time.
Julie: Thank you for sharing that with us, Kate.
Kate: No worries.
So I think that tackling any issues that you might have in the bedroom is another way that you can go back to being prepared.
So if there are any problems that you might worry about having in bed, go and see and doctor now because you're likely just to be one awkward conversation away from solving that problem.
And then when you do get into bed with a new partner, that's one less thing for you to worry about and you can enjoy the process more.
Julie: Really, really good point.
Questions from Ourtime singles
Julie: Now, as I mentioned at the beginning, we had a lot of questions sent in for this live event. Thank you.
We've discussed or we're discussing now when to take your dates to the next level and get intimate.
So we picked out two questions that have a particular relevance to this section, when to take your dates to the next level and get intimate.
"Do I have to be physical on the first date?"
Julie: First up, Julie, who's 55, says, "Should you wait until there's an emotional connection before having a physical relationship?"
And John, who's 53, want's to know, "Do I have to be physical on the first date?"
Kate: Sounds like John's resisting his 53 mojo boost there.
So Ourtime has done research on this as well, and we found out through the research, this is really interesting, that singles over 50 are faster to move into bed than they are to get emotionally intimate.
So much faster to say get upstairs than you are to say I love you.
Julie: How fascinating. I suppose I can understand it.
I mean, pregnancy issues are over, the kids might have moved out probably.
Time to get back between the sheets.
Kate: I'm afraid I'm going to be a buzzkill. I am.
I do recommend waiting a little while. I do.
Julie: Waiting a while.
Kate: Yeah. I do.
Julie: Why?
Kate: So I've written a book on this. It's called "Not Tonight, Mr. Right," and it's about how long to wait before you have sex.
When I was researching the book, I kind of thought that waiting a little while to have sex would be the right thing to do.
But as I researched it, the reasons are massive.
The first thing is if you're a woman, we release oxytocin during sex.
Oxytocin is the bonding hormone that you release when you have a baby.
It's very nurturing, it makes you very connected emotionally, it makes you trust people a lot, sometimes more than they deserve, it makes you very affectionate, obsessed almost.
Men and women both release oxytocin during sex, but women can release up to eight times as much as men.
Julie: Yes.
Kate: No. I call it the fatal attraction hormone.
Julie: No.
Kate: If you ever tried to be Samantha from "Sex in the City" and had sex with someone and thought you could be all carefree and then found yourself agonizing the next day until you heard from them again, that's oxytocin.
And personally, I wanted to be a Samantha, but I ended up… I'm a Charlotte. I can't do it.
So if you want to wait a while, absolutely and brilliant.
Especially if you're someone who's found yourself bonding a lot through sex, that would be a good reason to wait.
Another reason to wait is dopamine.
So dopamine is released in our brains when we are very excited, when we're aroused, when we're attracted to someone, but it also gets released more for delayed rewards.
So think about it.
When you're playing a game on your phone, you're not going to get as excited and addicted and as hooked on that game if you win it every time, if it's really easy.
It's the unpredictable aspect of it that you want.
So when you delay having sex with someone instead of doing it in an instant, when you delay, you will actually find that the sex is more enjoyable, more intense, and more intoxicating just from having waited a little while.
Signs it's the right time
Julie: But what is a little while? If you don't want to wait three months, what is a little while?
Can you define that more?
Kate: If you don't want to mark it in your calendar, here are some things I really think that you should look for before you jump into bed with each other if you possibly can.
So signs it's the right time to do it.
You're dating exclusively
Kate: Number one, you're dating exclusively.
I wouldn't get frisky until you've both decided that you're only going to see each other.
And the reason for this is I'm afraid a bit depressing, is that sexually transmitted diseases in the over 50s age group have risen dramatically.
Because you're all so frisky now. You're not saying I love you, but you're saying go upstairs.
Please delay it until you know that you're seeing each other exclusively and also until you've both had an STD check.
That would be the first thing to do.
And if you kind of think that talking about an STD check is a little bit intimate and everything, that would also be a sign to me that you're not quite ready yet to have sex with each other because you ought to be able to talk about stuff like that.
14:30 You've opened up about health issues or medical things
Kate: Another thing that you need to be able to do is you have opened up about health issues or medical things, so like wanting an STD check or anything like that.
Few of us get to over 50 without some kind of medical or health issue, like menopause like we talked about, erectile problems, operations that you may have had.
Discuss these before you get into bed.
It would just boost your confidence and it would just be another sign that you're committed and intimate enough emotionally so that the physical side of things can progress perfectly.
You're dating regularly
Kate: And also, I would really want you to be dating regularly.
So don't be in something where you are only seeing each other once a month because after…
Can you imagine when you've waited a little while, you have that amazing, thrilling, addictive sex?
I want you to be able to have that regularly, and also I don't want you to be at home, scrolling through the messages, feeling insecure or anything like that.
So leave it until you are in a position to be dating each other regularly and then at it all the time, do it.
Yes. Break your bed.
Absolutely.
"Should we be talking about sex before we go on a date?"
Julie: Okay. Physical issues aside that you might discuss.
Something else that has been asked is, should we be talking about sex before we go on a date?
That's physical issues aside.
Kate: No.
Julie: Just talking about… No?
Kate: I'm such a buzz kill tonight. I'm really sorry.
Julie: No, you're not.
Kate: Okay. So, people often say like, "Should we be sexting?
Should we be sharing nude pictures of each other?
Or erotic pictures?
Should we be talking about our favorite sexual positions before we met up?"
I'm afraid no, no, no, no, no.
Julie: Yeah, I'm with not discussing it.
I mean, how do, you know, the daters you work with?
How do they view this?
Kate: I think sometimes men think of it as quite an… I'm sorry to sound so. It's not a sexist thing. It's literally this what I've noticed. It tends to be men.
They think of it as an efficient thing to do, like, "I want a relationship, I want a physical relationship.
I really like to make sure that this person also wants a physical relationship before we waste each other's time." "And I think the best way of doing that would be to show them a picture of my…" Or, "I think the best way to find that would be to talk about sex on the first date or mention in my profile how important it's for me."
The reason I don't want you to do it would be the same reason that I wouldn't ask you to talk about money problems or politics.
Anything you talk about before you've met or anything you talk about on a first date will have such importance.
It will assume such importance because you don't know enough about each other for that to be just another part of your personality.
It will look like it is your personality, if you know what I mean.
So, if you have sex on your profile, you will look like you are literally just there to have sex with someone, which will put a lot of people off it as well.
Or if you talk about sex on a first date, it really looks like you're not interested in the person as a person.
It's literally you just want to have sex with them.
It would be the same if you talked about gold, or if you…
Julie: Talked about drinking all the time.
Kate: Exactly.
Julie: If I'm desperate to go to the pub with somebody, it looks like you just want a drinking buddy.
But is it safe… I think, if you're online dating, it is going back to the point about, should we talk about it?
Is it safe to assume that if you are online dating, you do want a physical relationship?
Kate: Yeah, I think you can safely assume.
So if you are someone who wants to really make sure that you're entering into a relationship, there's going to be a physical relationship, I would say you can safely assume that.
When someone's doing online dating, you can safely assume that they want to enter in a physical relationship with you.
And then how far you take that relationship, the physical side of things or what kind of things you get up to, that's a lovely thing to explore a bit later on when you know so much more about each other that sex becomes about you and them doing it.
Not just you doing it, but it becomes special because it's you and because it's them.
And that's when it'll be like magical mind-blowing.
Julie: Okay. But can you test the water? Can you like reach out and touch somebody and things just to…
Kate: Yeah. Right.
I'm really glad you asked that because obviously, I know I'm coming over like Sister Kate from the convent.
Absolutely.
I'm not saying that you'd never do anything.
I wouldn't talk about sex, I wouldn't exchange the nude pictures, and I wouldn't put sex in my profile.
But please do get physical on a first date in ways that can see how attracted you are to each other without crossing any lines.
So holding hands, absolutely brilliant thing to do on a first date.
Having your arms around each other would be a lovely thing to do.
Julie: Or linking arms.
Kate: Yeah, absolutely perfect.
Anything that you can do to bring you in proximity with each other, so you can get your chemicals going and see how attracted you are, absolutely brilliant.
Have a good night kiss on a first date, absolutely brilliant.
You don't have to go full on tongue action, but a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the hand, absolutely brilliant.
Julie: That's rather sweet and kind.
I think it's good though just to touch somebody because you can sense if someone is easy with being touched.
I mean, if you are a very touchy-feely, very warm person, somebody who's physically more tense or a little bit more detached might not be the right fit for you.
And just holding a hand as you cross the road, you can tell if they're keen or if they're like trying to desperately edge away.
It gives a lot away, doesn't it?
I think guys too though, guys have to be very careful about…
Guys more than women, forgive me, that your touch isn't too loaded, too sexual, because that can also be a little bit invasive.
I've got a mate called Donald, and Donald goes in when you first meet him.
He does this with men as well as women.
Donald goes in for full-frontal kiss on the lips.
He's just too much. It just really is…
He does it with everybody and it's just…
Kate: That feels like a power thing. It feels like, "Can I get away with this?"
It feels like he's invading your space.
Julie It's not good.
Should you share nude photos with your dates?
Julie: You mentioned nude photos, Kate.
That is one of the questions that's come in, look, quite a few times, actually.
Should you share nude photos with your dates?
Kate: Right. I think nude photos are an absolutely brilliant thing that you can do to boost your own body confidence.
So taking nude photos of yourself for yourself, absolutely amazing, do it, it works, it makes you feel better.
But I wouldn't share them with anyone.
I wouldn't share them with anyone that you haven't met, and I wouldn't share them with anyone that you've only just met because it's such an intimate thing that if the relationship didn't work out, you are going to feel really vulnerable that they have those photos.
I don't even know what they're going to do with the pictures, but you will feel awful for having shared that so soon with someone you didn't really know.
So, I would always hold back on that, always, always, always.
Julie: You just don't know where they're going to end up.
And also, if you've taken some of yourself, and they're really nice, just have a look at them, and then it is a good idea to delete them.
My friend didn't, and she found her grandchildren going over them and that wasn't so good.
Kate: Yeah, maybe delete them.
"When would be an apposite time to mention medical issues to a potential partner?"
Julie: More questions now. This is from David.
David is 54, and he says, "I suffer, or I can suffer from depression. When would be an apposite time to mention this to a potential partner?"
Kate: So, as we spoke about earlier, anything you mentioned really early on will take up a lot of importance because people don't know enough about you for that just to be one part of your life, that will be your life.
So, I wouldn't mention it on your profile and I wouldn't probably mention it on a first date, but when you've been on a few dates, definitely do bring it up.
But I think how you bring it up is really important.
I don't want you to drop it like a bombshell.
I don't want you to say, "I really have something really important to tell you," and then talk about your depression in that way, because whoever you are talking to will take their lead from you as to how much it might impact your relationship.
So, when you're talking about an issue like depression or a medical issue, anything like that, talk about it in a very calm, factual way, in a more of a casual way, not bombshell way because someone will think, "Oh, this is it," then unfeel.
So, just say something like, "I suffer from depression. I take medication for it. In the past, it has impacted on my relationships."
Maybe you've withdrawn from relationships before when you've gone through a really low patch.
But just say, "I've learned that about myself, but I wanted to let you know now because if I feel myself slipping like that again, I might ask you for more support, or I might say, "I can't see you this week because I'm really struggling."
If you say it in that matter of fact way, then that really helps the person to take their lead from you, and then they know what to do.
But also it's still keeping it as just one part of you because you're not just your depression, you're so much more than that, and we need to keep it in proportion in that way.
Julie: Excellent, thank you, great.
"As a widow, how do I get past feeling like I'm cheating even if I kiss someone else?"
Julie: Next one is from Sylvia. Sylvia's 65. She says, "I'm widowed after 33 years of marriage. How do I get past feeling like I'm cheating even if I kiss someone else?"
I can actually answer this for Sylvia, if I may because it's exactly what a friend of mine is going through right now.
You obviously had a really good marriage, Sylvia.
You were together for so long, and I'm pretty sure that caring about you as he did, he wouldn't want to think of you when he's gone as being isolated or unloved or unfulfilled, lonely.
Now he's not around.
I'm sure he'd want you to be happy and have companionship.
If you put the boot on the other foot, I bet you wouldn't have said to him, "When I'm gone, I don't want you to have another physical relationship.
It's just got to be platonic friendships. You can't kiss, you can't touch anybody else."
Basically, I think it's time to let yourself off the hook, Sylvia, and try and get back in touch with what you are like now as an individual and what you want and what you need.
When you've been a couple for years and years, it's very hard to then realize that you've got now your individual needs.
So be gentle on yourself and don't think of kissing somebody else as cheating or unfaithful.
Unfamiliar, yes, but not unfaithful.
"How do you feel confident with a new partner?"
Julie: Finally, Wayne, 53, says, "Having only had intimacy with the same partner for 24 years, how do you feel confident with a new partner?"
Kate: So the best thing you can do is to focus on them.
So focus on their pleasure.
Focus on how you can give them the best time possible because that'll stop you getting so much performance anxiety.
And in fact, in any time that you are nervous, when you think about how you can help someone else, it's a really good way of overcoming your nerves.
So focus on your partner and how exciting that is.
But also when it's time for you to be exploring that new partner, this is when you'll find that your dopamine really kicks in because dopamine thrives.
Remember, that's your powerful attraction, arousal, excitement, chemical.
Dopamine thrives on new and novel experiences.
So, what you'll probably find is that the experience of exploring a brand-new partner to you will be so exciting that I'd imagine quite a lot of these nerves go away naturally.
Julie: Great.
Okay, time for the results now of our second survey question, which was, is sex a vital part of a relationship?
Not surprisingly, 74% of you said, "Yes it is." "No," was 26%. 26% of you think it's not. 74% think it is.
What's have you written about that, Kate?
Kate: I think it's lovely to find a partner that you can do everything with.
So sex…
I mean, we always say that the lovely thing to find with a partner is for you to be able to enjoy doing things together.
And I think sex is a lovely hobby you can do on a rainy afternoon.
It's not the be-all and end-all, but I think it's so important because it's the one thing that you share with each other and no one else.
Julie: And if you don't have sex, so cuddling.
Never underestimate cuddling.
Kate: Any skin on skin. -You've got body contact, skin on skin, and that can be really healing.
Key takeaways
Julie: Okay, so just let's recap that last…
Kate: So just to recap, to boost your sexual confidence, use exercise and mindfulness to boost your confidence in bed.
Wait till you're exclusive and seeing each other regularly before you hop between the sheets.
And don't talk about sex too soon.