Julie: Bonjour and welcome to our LiveCoaching event for Ourtime.
My name's Julie Peasgood and I'm delighted to be your host this evening.
I'm an actress, TV presenter and the author of an award-winning book about sex and relationships.
Kate: I'm Kate Taylor.
I'm Ourtime's dating coach, and I work with singles just like you to help them find love in the fastest and most fun way possible.
And tonight we're going to be talking all about body confidence, especially in the bedroom.
Julie: We are indeed.
Now feel free to ask any questions that you might have during this talk.
Just use the chat box on your screen.
You can also watch replays of all of our previous sessions by searching Ourtime video coaching.
I would say we've covered almost all of the questions you might have about dating, but if there's something that you don't find covered in tonight's talk, just have a look at those videos, and I'm sure you'll find it there.
Talking of questions, you've sent in loads for tonight, and we will do our best to answer as many as we can.
Now, as Kate said, the first thing we're going to discuss tonight is body confidence and how to get it.
Before Kate shares her advice, we want to know how you currently feel about your bodies.
Are you body confident?
Let us know by answering our first survey question, which is, do you feel confident about your body? It's a simple yes or no answer.
Do you feel confident about your body?
Kate: So body confident, getting back into dating, can give you a crisis of body confidence.
It really can because you probably imagine that everyone else is in perfect shape.
They all look like movie stars.
They all spent the past 30 years doing a hundred sit-ups every day.
And sometimes you can't really feel date ready.
I really want you to relax because remember, finding love is about finding one person.
So if you're not feeling confident about yourself at the moment, just remember that statistically, your chances of finding one person who really likes to look at you are excellent.
And we are not here tonight to rebuild you.
We are just here to remind you that you are lovable and gorgeous just as you are.
Julie: And if you don't feel confident, it's not that you've got a body problem, it's that you might have a body image problem.
So, here is some ways that you can feel better.
Kate: So, I do these even though… I like how I look, but sometimes the confidence thing that can be a bit erratic.
So, these are the things that I do when I need to feel confident.
And I'd really like us to do all of these together, so please don't make me do these by myself.
So these are things that I found really work.
So, I'd really like us to do it altogether there, okay?
Kate: So the first thing I want us to try is a power pose.
So, a really easy one to do is just put your hands on your hips right now, stick your chest out, ladies and gentlemen, and put your hands on your hips and really open up that body language, so your body language becomes expansive.
Now, I'm not just doing this to get you to stick your chest out, although on a date, that would be the worst thing that you can do.
What I want you to do with this is to use your body language to tell your brain that you feel confident because what happens is our brain takes a sense of how we are feeling from our body language.
It's like body language first and then feelings afterward.
So, when you are nervous, how you hunch up, and you go like this, as soon as your brain realizes that your body's doing this, your brain's suddenly on alert going, "Oh my God, we're in danger, we're unhappy, things are all going wrong."
And it puts you into that panicky mode, which you don't want to be on during a date.
But as soon as you go all languid and expansive, then your brain's like, "Oh, we got this, everything's cool." And it makes you feel better.
And then your brain, it puts you in that confident thing.
Do this before a date. It's amazing.
So if you're doing that thing where you are meeting at a restaurant or meeting at a bar, if you go there a couple of minutes beforehand, just go in the loo, do a power pose, stand like that.
Apparently, two minutes is the perfect length of time to do it.
And then just see yourself walking out of the loo like "Hello."
Honestly, I promise you, it works.
Julie: Isn't that called the Superman pose?
Kate: It is.
Julie: It is the Superman pose.
A friend of mine also told me, she was an actress.
Well, she is an actress, and she said that she learned that if you…
She was taught before you enter onto the stage, or even before a big meeting or an audition, if you just raise yourself onto tiptoes, just the balls of your feet.
Kate: Really?
Julie: Yeah, you don't have to hold it for ages, but just raise yourself up and then lower gently down.
That simple movement can really give you a feeling of status and of confidence.
So, superman pose, raise yourself on the balls of your feet.
Kate: And if you've lied about your height in your online dating profile, and probably raising yourself on tiptoes is the worst thing that you could do.
Kate: The next thing I want you to do is make a gratitude list of everything you like about your body.
Now, gratitude has been proven again and again to make you feel more confident, make you feel more upbeat and optimistic.
But if you're having a crisis of body confidence, you're probably not really feeling grateful for the body that you are in at the moment.
Instead, I would bet good money that every time you look in the mirror, you're not seeing the lovely bits like, "I really like my hair color or my eyes," or whatever.
You're not seeing those, you're focusing right on hips, thighs, anything that you're not confident with.
So tonight we're going to stop doing that because that is not working for you.
Instead, I want you to make a list.
Just do it mentally in your head now, of three things that you are grateful for about your appearance, or three things that you really like about your appearance.
And every time you look in the mirror for the next few days, I want you to look only at those things and acknowledge those things and everything else, just forget about them.
Just seriously, they don't exist anymore.
Start reminding yourself every day that there are at least three things that are really nice about you.
And if you can think of more than three, then start adding to that list.
Julie: I think that's such a good tip, you know.
We should be grateful.
I mean, even if you only like your feet or whatever, it doesn't really matter.
I'm not particularly the over fond of my body, I'm carrying too much weight, but my husband tells me I've got nice soft skin, so I feel really good about that.
Kate: Oh my, that's like satin.
Julie: No, she's exaggerating.
Kate: It makes mine feel like a Brillo pad.
Julie: What are you proud of?
Kate: I've got really long eyelashes.
Julie: I have such eyelash envy when I look at you.
They are really long.
Kate: They haven't helped me in dating.
I don't think a man has ever looked at me across the room, "Her, her with the eyelashes. I must have her."
So, when I look in the mirror from now on, I can look at my eyelashes.
You can look at your lovely, glorious, glowy soft skin and we can feel better.
It's better than looking at tummies and thighs, right?
Kate: And I want you to do this now, even if you feel a bit daft doing it, please try it because it really works.
I want you to step into the more confident, perfect version of yourself, okay.
So, what I mean by that is close your eyes now and picture the most perfect version of yourself, the most confident version.
The one that sometimes you feel that you're not living up to, picture that person, okay?
See what they're wearing. See how they're standing.
I bet they've got a bit of the Superman going on.
What are they wearing?
How are they carrying themselves?
If they were to say hello to someone, how would they say it?
They wouldn't be hunched, they'd be like, "Yo."
That kind of thing.
Visualize the lovely person, the ideal version of yourself, and then mentally in your mind, step into that person, step inside them, so suddenly they are you. Do that every day, and it really helps you to start adapting to being that person now.
You won't be quite so apologetic, you'll be more like just relaxed and casual.
And also you'll probably start dressing that way, start talking that way.
It really, really helps.
I know you're going to feel daft, but trust me.
Julie: It's good though.
I didn't feel daft.
When I close my eyes and visualize like a perfect me, I'm wearing white t-shirt tucked in, white plimsolls and faded jeans because I never tuck anything in, ever.
I always wear great big baggy clothes, hide the tummy and things.
So that picture is a great one to keep because I feel confident even just looking at her, at me, you know what I mean.
Kate: But if this is like a tummy thing, you are like one pair of really tight pants away from being the perfect person.
I've never looked at you and thought, "So you got a tummy," do you know what I mean?
You're carrying that…
Julie: It's because I disguise it, but hey, anyway, less of which later.
Kate: Crop tops.
Julie: I don't think so.
Julie: Okay, now we're going to move on to looking and feeling, looking and feeling as good as you can.
Kate: Online dating is a visual medium, so it's wise to insure that you're presenting yourself in the best way possible.
This is not about being perfect, it's not about looking like a film star, it's not about looking amazing, it's just about presenting yourself in the best way possible.
If you think that this is all a bit shallow, I would ask you to remember how you are when you are scrolling through an online dating website.
Because you're not giving people the benefit of the doubt, and thinking, "Maybe they're better than that photo," you are just not, you are really not.
You are judging people by how they look.
I'm not just saying that you'll be judged by it, but just it really matters to present yourself.
Give yourself the best chance. Look as good as you can.
And these are some tricks that we know that work really well for your photos and stuff when you're doing online dating.
Julie: We've done a whole video, by the way, on photos that work well online.
So, it really is worth taking a look at that after this talk.
But basically, your photos are what's going to sell you online.
Kate: They completely are.
As Julie says, we've got a whole video on this, and you always ask questions about that, so please have a look.
But generally these are really good things that you can start using straightaway.
Kate: The first easy way to look good and to get attention when you're doing online dating in your photos is to use color.
Online dating photos, as you know, when you're using the site, and you're scrolling through all the different options, online dating photos have to stop someone in their tracks and be attention grabbing.
The easiest way that you can do that is by using color.
So, ideally in your photos, you wouldn't be dressed all funereal chique like we are tonight.
You could wear a really brightly colored top.
If you've ever had your colors done, this would be a perfect time to start you wearing those colors.
You can wear lovely colors, or you can have a brightly colored background like this.
Don't do anything too cluttered because we all go super spy investigating and just start reading the names of the books on your bookcase.
Don't get cluttered, just go colorful.
And if you had a photo of you standing outside in a lovely springtime garden, all the colors going on, that would be really good.
Julie: And also, if you were trying to attract somebody who likes gardening, say you like gardening, and they might think, "Wow, that's a gorgeous, lovely, pretty set of flowers."
Kate: Exactly.
Also, that would be really good for seasonal pictures.
So if you've got a really lovely photo of you on your online dating profile, but it's got a Christmas tree in the background, that isn't going to show you in the best light because we know that that photo is at least five months old.
And because of the frame in mind that you can go in, and you can start being a bit skeptical when you're doing online dating.
People will maybe think that you've been on the site for five months and nothing's happened.
We don't want that.
We want the photos that look like they're really up-to-date.
Kate: Another thing I really want you to do is to use really good lighting in your photos.
So don't use flash photography because we know that flash photography adds seven years to your face.
Julie: Seven years!
Kate: And I don't know about you, I haven't got seven minutes that I want extra on this face.
So instead of using flash photography, start using outdoor lighting.
Photographers love the lighting at three o'clock in the afternoon outside.
The light is diffused, it's flattering, you look radiant.
Julie: How lovely. Three o'clock?
Kate: Three o'clock in the afternoon.
Julie That's the magic time.
Kate: Three o'clock.
So, this weekend, a brilliant thing that you could do would be to get outside, to get your colorful top on, get outside to your lovely sun shiny springtime garden, and at three o'clock in the afternoon, take some photos.
Selfies are fine, by the way.
Selfies are absolutely fine, but lovely photos of you, three o'clock in the afternoon, do it.
Julie: If you feel like smiling, great.
I love photos where somebody's smiling rather than looking really dour or nervous or down.
Kate: Yeah, you want to look happy and be the person that's going to show up on the date.
And the chances are you're not going to walk in the date like "huh.
You're going to be like, "Hi."
So be that person so people can picture going on a date with you because that's what's happening in someone's mind.
They're picturing meeting you in real life.
So, you want that to be positive and lovely.
Julie: What about smiling? Fixed or opening your mouth?
Kate: Oh, right.
So, when you are smiling, have a selection of showing your teeth and not showing your teeth because, I don't know if it's just me, but I really don't think it is.
A couple of weeks ago I was going through someone's profile to help them do their profile, and all their photos had them smiling with their mouth, like And I was thinking, "What's wrong with your teeth? Why aren't you showing your teeth?"
And because there are so many people to date online, if I had been single and looking at him, I just would've thought, "I don't think you got very good teeth."
And I might have moved on to the next person.
Julie: And yet, the teeth might have been fine.
Kate: Teeth were fine.
I met him, the teeth were lovely. I was like, "Show your teeth."
Julie: Right, video dating.
The second time that your image really matters is when you are video chatting.
Again, we have covered this fully in a previous event, so that's definitely worth a watch.
Kate: Right.
If you haven't done video dating yet, I really, really, really want you to try it because it's absolutely brilliant.
It gives you all the benefits are going on the date but still being in the comfort of your own house.
You're going to be less nervous on a video date than you will actually walking into somewhere.
And it's the closest thing you can do to see what someone's like as meeting them in person.
So, I definitely want you to video date.
When you are doing video dating, the most important thing I think that you can do is to find a flattering angle for your camera.
So, when you're doing a video date, you're probably going to do it on your phone or your tablet, maybe on your laptop, but what I don't want you to do is to do this.
Julie: Oh, yeah, jelly city.
Kate: So nice to meBecause it's just bad angle.
The tightest jawline in the world cannot hold up to this angle.
You know that thing when sometimes you find yourself, you've accidentally switched the camera on your phone and you see yourself.
Julie: Horrible.
Kate: Absolutely hideous.
Please, don't do that on your date.
So, what I want you to do is to prop it up at eye level, so I want you to look into it like this, because everything will look lovely.
You'll just look great.
Julie: Or even slightly up. Better than down.
Kate: I think people see through this here.
Julie: Oh, jolly good, straight.
Kate: It looks a bit practice.
But just eye-level is absolutely great.
So, I think, ideally, you would prop your phone or you laptop up on some books, or have it on the windowsill so you can get that nice, ideally, three o'clock in the afternoon light coming through onto your face.
That'd be really good.
But remember, like this, not like this, and I probably wouldn't do this.
I'd just look short.
Julie: Okay. Try also to show yourself from the waist up.
Kate: Show yourself from waist up.
Don't aim to be the world's sexiest head.
This is true when you're doing video dating, but also when you're choosing photos for your profile.
Ideally, you would show yourself probably about… I don't know how much you can see of us now, but probably about the same as this, up to your waist.
Not only will that show off your body, because your date is going to be, just like you, your date is going to be scrutinising you to see… to see your body, to see your figure and everything.
And, you know, let them see it, really, it's a good thing.
But also it's not just about that to show off your figure, but also to show your confidence, so you can start using your body language to show that you're relaxed, that you're confident, that you're expansive.
I'm not saying you've got to do the Superman thing, but, you know, you could sit more like that, like you would probably if you're doing a Zoom call at work or a job interview or something, you would sort of sit professionally, but welcoming and relaxed.
Do that, waist up, okay?
Not just a talking head.
Julie: Fantastic.
Julie: Okay, then, when you do turn up on your date, your first date, your appearance is going to matter big time.
Kate: Your appearance will matter.
But what I would really like you to do when you're on your first date is, don't be scared to dress up.
Now, I hear are a lot from singles that they go along to that first date in a deliberately casual outfit, because they don't want to scare someone off.
Or when you're not feeling confident, I think it's a bit scary to… Sometimes you dress down when you're not feeling confident.
You don't want to look as if you've made an effort, because in your mind you're picturing what someone's going to say, like, "Oh, who do you think you are?"
No, forget all of that.
The best thing that you can do on a date is to dress up in something that's slightly smart, that you feel really good in.
And this isn't just me being all fussy and making you have a whole glamorous transformation.
There's research to show that, when we dress smartly, it changes how we think, so it encourages the part of our brain that responds…
It encourages our creativity and makes us see big picture thinking.
So, on a date that would translate, creativity would translate into much better first date conversation.
And having that big picture thinking probably means you're less likely to judge people on things that don't really matter and see the person as a whole.
And also it's just an excuse for you to wear your nicest clothes.
So, men, wear your shiniest shoes, wear your smartest jacket, wear a shirt that you feel really good in.
Women, don't be scared to wear a dress. Seriously. Turn up on that first date looking as lovely as you can, and then everything will work out.
Your confidence will come from that and people will respond to you differently because you look good.
Julie: Yeah and if you have made an effort, it gives an opportunity for the other person to say, "You look nice," which they mean, and then that's good from the beginning.
It starts off on the right mode.
Kate: Exactly.
Okay, it's question time now and we are kicking off with Sue.
Kate: Right. Sue, I think everyone who's listening to this tonight will echo your sentiments.
You are not alone in feeling like this.
But just the fact that you've written this question and you're watching us now is such a positive first step that you're taking, and it's going to be little baby steps like that that make your confidence grow all the time.
What I want you to know and remember is that Ourtime is a secure website.
The site can't be searched by Google.
Your photos aren't going to come up on like Google image results.
It is very secure and it's only going to be shown to the members of Ourtime.
But also don't forget it's only going to be shown to people who've said that they want to meet someone just like you, who's your kind of height, living in your kind of area, with your sorts of interests.
You have such a willing and receptive audience who have literally paid money to see you and to talk to someone just like you.
So, please, bear that in mind.
It's not like you're putting yourself out there.
It's more like you're letting people find you.
Julie: And if you get really stuck, you can always call on a dating coach like Kate, to help you through it.
Kate: Literally the kind of thing I do, which is to help you go through the thing.
I realize it's scary, but it will work and you'll feel really good.
Julie: John's 55 and he says: "How do I make my profile as appealing as possible? I know I'm an okay guy with a lot to offer, but it's hard to know how to convey this in profile without appearing overconfident or arrogant."
Kate: I think British modesty makes it hard for us to sell ourselves online.
But also you don't want to go the other way and be arrogant about it.
So, I think it helps to think of it like a job interview.
So, in a job interview you wouldn't say anything like, "I'm scraping by, and seriously, I can't believe they haven't fired me," but also you probably wouldn't say, "The only reason this company exists is because of my brilliance."
What you would do in a job interview is use examples, so that is what you can do in your profile.
I want you to show, not tell.
It stops you having to write things like, "I'm incredibly successful."
Honestly, don't write that.
But instead, let that be shown through examples, like of a lovely holiday that you've been on or, you know, something like that.
Instead of saying that you're really generous, demonstrate that you're generous by mentioning charity work that you do.
Instead of saying that you've got lots of friends, show that by saying about the parties that you host regularly.
It's that kind of thing.
Showing examples like that is a lovely way of letting people draw their own conclusions without you having to ram it down their neck.
And, also, don't forget you can use your photos to do a lot of these things for you.
So, if you have like a really interesting hobby or something like that, if during the day you're like a mild-mannered accountant, but in the evening you play in a band, then make sure that one of your photos shows you playing in your band, so you can, again, showcase the kind of person that you are without having to write it all down.
Kate: Marie. Right. You can't change him.
So the real question here is, why are you with him? Why haven't you just dumped him, Marie?
What happens, when I know that someone is dating someone who's like a player, basically you're dating someone because it's a short-term relationship.
You might not realize that, but when you're dating someone who isn't going to commit to you, the relationship has already got its end date built in.
So, you're kind of safe in the knowledge that it's going to end.
The reason you would want to be safe in that knowledge is that maybe you have got a problem with commitment yourself, or the thought of making yourself really vulnerable in a relationship with someone who's kind and loving and nice, because if they finished with you that would be devastating, whereas by staying with a player you're kind of safe because you know he's going to leave anyway and it's not your fault, it's him.
I would really love you to start thinking about your own attitude toward commitment. Okay?
You don't have to go all deep with this, but there's a really good book that you can read.
It's called "He's Scared, She's Scared" and it's by Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol.
It's amazing.
I thought I had no fear of commitment until I started reading it, and then I started reading it because I was with a man years and years ago, 100 years ago, that I thought was a real commitment-phobe, so I thought, "I'm going to read this book and understand him."
He was a kind of player.
But instead, reading it, within the first three pages it was kind of like, "Oh. Hang on. Maybe I have that kind of thing."
So, that's something that I've worked through with a therapist and so now I have a better attitude toward that.
So, please start by reading the book and exploring your own feelings about commitment, because you might find they're very different.
Julie: Excellent.
Okay, we've got the results now of our first survey, in which we asked, "Do you feel confident about your body?"
These are surprising, Kate.
Kate: Is it good?
Julie: Well, yeah, it's a bit like the Brexit vote, okay?
49% of you said you do feel confident about your body, and 51% said you didn't.
It's so close.
I thought most people were going to say, "No, I don't."
Kate: And I think that's really good.
I think it's absolutely brilliant.
Julie: It's really good, yeah.
Kate: We do know that daters over 50 generally have more confidence than daters under 50.
So, I think this is like a really good sign for that.
So, yay, you lot!
And the other ones who aren't feeling confident, please, try the things that we mentioned there, because honestly, just a little bit of this, you can start being really good.
I promise.
Kate: So, to boost your body confidence, use power poses and visualization to improve your body image.
Spend time using the right photos to feel better about your online dating profile.
And dress up for dates.
Only wear casual clothes if you're looking for a casual relationship.