How to find love on a budget
Julie: Now, we also promised you that in this session would help you save money whilst you're looking for love.
We're all aware that in the UK we're currently having a cost of living crisis.
But we don't want to turn that into a cost of loving crisis.
It can sometimes be expensive to find love.
A recent survey found that the average dater spends £1,349 a year on dating.
I don't know where they came up with that figure from, but £1,349 a year on dating, which means that the energy crisis has just swallowed up your dating allowance.
We're going to talk about how you can reduce that spend massively, but still find your happy ever after.
Okay, Kate, tell us more about saving money whilst everybody's answering that.
How to find people to date on a budget
Kate: So, how do you find love on a budget?
You might start thinking initially about going to the free dating websites and apps.
Of course, you can, but personally, I found when I was doing online dating that there's no such thing really as a free dating website or app.
You can search for people, sometimes you can communicate for free, but they all offer upgrades.
Some of the upgrades are really kind of limiting the experience that you get before you spend any money.
So for example, on some of the free ones, you can't set many filters for who you're looking for unless you pay for that feature, which basically means you have to sort of attract the whole world to you unless you want to pay, which I felt I didn't like that.
Or you can sometimes be restricted in the number of messages, you can send all the profiles that you can view.
Ourtime is a subscription site, but I with all my many husbands always use subscription sites and this is why I really like them.
If you're on a subscription site, like Ourtime when you have to pay, then everyone else on there has had to pay too.
Which generally tells you that they're committed they're not, people just wanting to waste your time don't generally waste money.
So, you're going to cut down on number of people that are just there looking for something in a sort of airy fairy way.
You've got people that have actually gone through the process and put their money where their mouth is.
Video dating - Use the Video Call feature on Ourtime
Kate: I also found that well, one of the brilliant things about OurTime, is Ourtime has actually got a feature that I have calculated with my quick math will save you £300 a year.
Video dating can save you 300 pounds a year.
Research says, singles each year go out on six dates on average, when they know immediately that they don't want to see each other again.
As the average spend on one date is £47.50.
That's almost 300£ a year that people are wasting on people that they don't want to see again.
So video dating, I believe is the answer to this economic crisis.
Because video dating lets you get such a feel for someone's personality, their banter, their conversation skills.
You're doing that in the comfort of your own home, you've got your like dressy top on, your PJ bottoms on, and it hasn't cost you anything more than just your subscription.
Julie: Fantastic chip, brilliant.
We've got loads of tips for video dating in another video in this series called "Get Ready For Your Close Up".
So, do take a look at that for some really valuable advice from Kate.
Make the most of Ourtime free features
Kate: But you don't have to initially spend money on Ourtime because it's got some brilliant things that you can do at the beginning for free just to cheer you up.
Let me just read what I've written down because when I start going like this all goes wrong.
On Ourtime is completely free to sign up to create a profile and to look at matches who live in your area.
It's also free to watch our LiveCoaching session.
Creating your profile is a brilliant way to get started because it lets you see immediately that there are other single people living near you, because I think one of the worst things about being single, especially over 50, is you start with that voice in your head that we've already spoken about, that voice your head tells you're the only person, like you're the last single person in the village, there's nobody else.
As soon as you create that free profile and start searching for people near you, you realize that hundreds, actually hundreds and that's sort of optimism is amazing.
It really cheers you up.
How do you go on a low-cost date without appearing really stingy?
Julie: So, when you've met your matches, Kate, how can you save money on the dates themselves?
How do you go on a low-cost date without appearing really stingy?
Kate: So, in the interests of scientific research, I ran a poll online before this talk to see if one of the things that people could do on a first date to save money was to use a coupon or a voucher.
I thought thriftiness, times are tight.
Julie : Nobody would do that!
Kate: Julie is speaking for women everywhere because 100% of the women that answered my poll said absolutely 100% no, you cannot se vouches on a first date.
100% of the men said, yeah, why not? I think that's like a sensible idea.
Julie: Ladies get cutting out those coupons, that is hilarious.
I mean, okay, so, how can you cut the cost if you don't want to use a coupon?
Kate: You can get away with cheap date ideas, as long as they're thoughtful and tailored to the person that you're asking out on a date.
Don't forget, this is what online dating is brilliant for because online dating is the only time when you have the opportunity to read about someone and exactly what they really like doing.
So, when you're looking at their profile, look for the things like their favorite cuisines. If they like live music. What bands or what films are they into.
All these kinds of things, you can use that to then offer them to suggest a date idea that's kind of inexpensive, but perfect for them.
So, it feels really thoughtful.
Because they're not going to say "I'm sorry, but that live cinema event showing my very favorite directors showcase the last winter.
I've noticed any costs eight pounds, I don't think that's enough".
They're going to say, "oh my God, you really know me, that's like the coolest thing."
So, don't offer a free date like going for a walk.
Men, I'm talking to you, never ask a woman out on just unlike a walk.
I guess if you've got dogs?
Julie: No, I'd love that, I love walking.
Kate: Maybe I'm just talking to the frizzy haired women of Britain.
But I could not have a date that's going for a walk.
I'm kind of I would think hang on, I'm in the middle of nowhere with a man I don't know really well.
Julie: That's a good point.
Kate: First date go to public places always.
Because it doesn't feel safe, you don't look your best, the clothes that you would go walking your dog are not necessarily your best first date out.
Julie: Yeah, but men, it's been proven, proven, proven that men actually prefer talking, when they're kind of not looking at you all the time, relax more.
Kate: Men open up when you're side by side much more than in that kind of interrogation.
But we also know that men probably like taking a walk across a park to use a coupon.
Date in public places, don't do the walk thing.
But instead, do like a really cool fun than you like an art gallery or find a comedian that's going on tour.
Like they go on tour, they often do those little gigs where they're trying out their material or something like that.
If someone says that they really liked comedy in their profile, take them along to like a showcase like that. They'd be really impressed.
Then walk together side by side and men will open up.
Julie: Museums might be boring to some, but I find them fascinating.
Kate: Also it was it takes all the pressure off, you go somewhere really interesting on the first day you don't find yourself asking the same kind of heavy questions like, why did your marriage end, or what do you think happens after we die?
You can't, because you're thinking, look at that picture.Do you like that picture? Look at that statue I think that's really cool.
Julie: Or something like the Museum of childhood, Victoria and Albert Museum of childhood, you end up talking about what life was like as a kid, all the things you ate.
Kate: Don't do dinner.
I mean, well, we're talking about saving money.
So, don't do dinner with your coupon or your voucher because it's too expensive, and it's too long.
Like we said, there is a chance that you will go on a date with someone, and you will know immediately that they're not the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and it's going to be hard for you just to get through the starter.
So, instead of doing dinner, just go for coffee because there was more research, they said that in England most single's perfect first date was a 90-minute coffee shop date.
What you do if you want to do it cheaply with no one knowing you meet them outside, you go in, you let them go and sit down, and you offered to buy them a coffee, then you go up there and then quietly you pay with your voucher, but no one needs to know.
Julie: What about if a guy offers to cook for you at his home?
- We see right through that.
In my experience, my torturous experience that again, you hear about in chapter three, it was always on the fourth date that a man would say :"Hey, would you like to come round, and I'll cook you dinner?"
I always thought he was offering that because his kitchen was in the same building as his bedroom.
It was like, I just thought it was a bit of a smooth move.
Julie: That it was too soon, a fourth date was too soon for that level of intimacy ?
Kate: I was worried that dinner wasn't the only thing that was on the menu.
Also, don't spend too much money getting ready for a date.
Don't spend too much money getting ready for the first date.
We have found that an average people spend on their appearance of the first date is £60.45.
So that would be me with my fake tan.
That would be you with your dog walking outfit.
That would be you in your lovely new top, people are spending that on just on getting ready.
To reduce that spend, what I was doing when I was online dating, was I would stack up a couple of dates.
So, I would have meet someone for a coffee in the morning and then wearing the same perfect first date outfits I'd spent all week perfecting, I would then go on to meet someone for lunch wearing the same outfit.
Sometimes I tried having two coffee dates in the same day.
But seriously, by the second one, I was quite tense and jittery.
So that any money that you're investing in your appearance to look as good as you can on your first date, you're not wasting that on just the one person you're kind of spreading the load, which is more economical.
Julie: Yes, would you say it's wise if you are picking a first date outfit,
and you are splashing out on it to get a friend to go with you to advise you?
Kate Yes, but I think we talked about this later on.
When you're asking your friends' advice in dating, ask someone who is very similar to the type of person you'd like to attract.
What you find is, women right profiles that attract other women.
We write what we liked, whereas you need to think about it in the other way.
Who pays on a first date
Julie: Excellent tips there, but the most important question is, who pays for a first date?
Who pays?
Kate: I think the man.
Julie: I agree.
Kate: I think the man should pay.
Also, I know I'm bombarding you research a promise last piece of research.
There was some research done that said men are most likely to willingly pay for a first date when they are very physically attracted to the person they're on a date with.
So, men, I would say if you go out on a first date and suddenly find yourself very resistant of picking up the bill, that's usually your body's way of saying, this isn't the right person for me.
Similarly, women, if a man is laying on all the charm on that first date, but then the bill comes, and it just sits there, it just sits there, it just sits there until eventually, you have to pay it.
The research would say that he that you're not the one for that person, so you can use it as a screening out.
Questions from our members
How can you tell if someone's genuine?
Kate: The best way to know that the person we're out on a date with is who they say they are is just to meet up with them in person.
I always recommend that you meet up with someone within about eight messages.
For eight, it can be either you've written to them eight messages if they're not very long, or if the two of have exchanged eight messages.
I'd say that's about the time that you want to meet up with them in person.
Because if there's something that the wrong people won't want to do in online dating, someone who's not on there for the right reasons, they will not want to meet you in person.
There will always be a reason, and there will always be an excuse.
So, meeting someone in person that is obviously, you can tell what they look like in person immediately.
But also, it's a really good sign that they're genuine and actually looking for someone.
Video dating, of course, comes into this similarly, so if it's not convenient to meet in person straight away, I would still really advised that you do a video call.
So, you can kind of see the banter, but also to see that they are who they say they are.
If you are someone who's had a lot of dating experience, please appreciate, please believe that your instincts will work as well online as they do offline.
So, whenever you get that little voice telling you I'm not sure about this person, or this isn't really adding up for me.
The safest thing that you can do is to keep all you're messaging to the website itself.
So, keep all you're messaging on Ourtime.
Don't listen to anyone who says, "Oh, my memberships running out tomorrow. So, can I give you my mobile number, and we can just start texting."
Because again, if it's someone who's not on the website for the right reasons, the first thing that they will try and do is move all the communications off the site.
That is because when they're communicating via the website, and the website can monitor and notice if they're sending out 500 messages a day.
Julie: Excellent, scammers always tried out there to move communications off site.
If you do think somebody is strange, always report a concern, so Ourtime can look into it, and they will investigate it.
How do I make a better profile, so I let people know who I really am?
Kate: Again, you can do a lot with your photo.
So now, as we're coming up to it, we just had a change in the season.
It's automnal now, it's coming into Christmas, I would use your photos to paint that lovely picture of what you'd be like on a date.
So, I want you to have pictures of you kicking through the autumn leaves, any kind of summery photos of you and your little speedos take that down.
Because all that saying is I've been here since summer, and I haven't met anyone yet.
So, nice Christmassy pictures of you again, any pictures of you with a pet.
If you're really hopeless at choosing photos again, who is a person that you want to attract, get someone like that to help you screen your photos.
But at the end of the day, if you're terrible with the photo thing, there are lots of photo agencies now that specialize in creating dating profile photos.
You can always try one of those and get a proper dating photoshoot done, and then you'll have more photos then you know what to do with.
Key Takeaways
My main advice then on how you can find love without breaking the bank is, sign up for a site like Ourtime where you can use video dating to insure that you don't go out on loads of people and waste £300 with someone that you're not interested in.
Look for fun, inexpensive, thoughtful, tailored dates, so you can see as many people as possible without having to break out those coupons.