Real Life Success Stories
Julie: Okay, to end our session, we're going to focus on real life stories of people who did find their happy ever after through online dating.
We'll discuss, what we think, was the main reason that their stories worked out so well, so we can clarify the things that you can use to find your happy ending.
Do you know a couple who met through online dating?
Do you know a couple who met through online dating?
I do, Kate.
I chatted recently to two sets of friends who met online.
They've got fabulous success stories.
Jeff and Lorelei - Never give up on your dating journey
There's such a lovely couple.
They've been together for three years, and they were really attracted to each other initially because of their profiles.
Jeff immediately identified with Lorelei because, in his own words, "she was the manager of a huge bookstore and I am a bookstore nerd, I love literature and reading, so I really felt that we'd have a connection."
Lorelei also put that she loves cats and Jeff is completely cat mad.
Lorelei had kept her profile brief, but she immediately warmed to Jeff because he was different. "He poured his heart out in his profile, he maxed everything out," she told me. "He used every single character that he could, and he put the maximum number of photographs, which was 10."
Jeff added that, he said, "I'm a very earnest person, and it was the most earnest profile. I poured everything out about me, there was no mystery. So, you can either love it or leave it."
That's probably he figured why he hadn't had much success before. It was a bit too earnest.
Lorelei, though she was the one she loved it, she found it really endearing.
She said, "Jeff sounded honest, and real and authentic," very important words. We're all searching for that.
She also thought he had got the kindest eyes and the kindest face that she'd ever seen.
Kate: What I love about this story because Julie told me this, like before we were getting ready for this, I absolutely love it.
You know what we were talking about, keeping going despite the rejection and all that kind of thing.
Just imagine that Jeff had written this profile that really poured his heart out, and he wasn't getting that many responses, if he'd given up or if you'd listened to that voice in the head that said, Jeff, get it, it's just you and books now, and it's just not going to work out.
He would have given up, and he wouldn't have met Lorelei.
That's a really good indication or example of why you should never give up on your dating journey.
But also men, please learn from this. Write long profiles, women love reading the long profiles and the more of the earnest nature and your honesty, and the more just words that you write, we will see that we will believe that we can trust you.
Julie: He also she said something really interesting.
He thought a lot about the question he was going to ask her, he really put some time into it.
He asked her, quite simply though, what book she was reading.
Now in 20 years as a bookstore manager nobody had ever asked her that, nobody had even, in her life, bought her a book.
So, when she heard that question, she thought "this is the man of my dreams".
He knew that he'd have, he thought of his question in response as well.
He didn't actually know the book she was reading, but he Googled it, proving he cared to put some effort in.
The irony was that the book was about a place he had driven through a week before, another connection, which is fantastic.
Julia and Matt - the impact of photos
Julie: The other couple I talked to were Julia and Matt, they are so lovely.
They met online.
They've been together 19 years, and they've got two beautiful daughters.
Julia found Matt's profile hilariously funny, he's a really funny guy.
She'd been advised by a girlfriend who is already on this particular dating site, that people look at photos more than your profile, so she should keep her profile really short.
She wrote nine words.
She put she was looking for someone interesting and interested, warm and funny.
Matt responded with a joke about each of the words.
So for instance, with the word interesting, he kept coming up with all kinds of interesting facts.
Julia joined in the banter with interesting facts of her own, so they were connecting things like, you're more likely to drown in the bath and win the lottery, statistically true.
This set the tone for their relationship with their shared sense of humor is a strong now as it always, was said that was their common ground.
Kate: I love it.
That's kind of made me look at arts and lottery tickets in a different way.
So again, like I was saying so, women remember, you don't need to agonize too much about what you write in a profile when you're trying to attract men, it's 90% about the photos in that case.
When I wrote my own dating profile, second time around, I wrote three sentences like really, so it's all about the pictures.
Julie: Yep, Julia's got a very helpful tip I must share with you about photos.
She's really, really pretty.
She posted up a picture of herself smiling, which she thought was a great picture, but she was wearing, she had her arms crossed in front of her chest.
She was wearing a cardi, she never wore cardies, and it was a really old cardi, and worst of all, she was in front of a filing cabinet in her office.
Not sexy, she got really few responses.
She asked her friend why she thought she was getting so little, attracting so few people and the friend said, "to cut to the chase, your photos are really frumpy.vGive me some photos, I'll help you choose one."
She chose one of Julia wearing a really pretty halterneck dress bare shoulders. Julia had a tan, nice short dress, she was wearing high heels.
Guess how many responses she got overnight with that photo?
Kate: 10.
Julia: 750.
What it did for her was it gave her a really amazing attitude toward dating because she was felt free to go on a date.
So, she thought if it doesn't work out, I've got another 749 tries, win-win.
Kate: That's the power of the tan for me
Kate Taylors' very own experience with online dating
Julie: Listen, I want to know how you met your husband.
Kate: Now, a tale of two husbands.
I've met both my husband's doing online dating.
I met my first husband when I was in my 20s, I was single and living in London. We had a lovely marriage for a while, but ultimately, we weren't right for each other, so we grew apart.
So, in my 40s, I went back to online dating and I did things very different, and I met my second husband who I must admit is my perfect match. We're like solid gold, like really made for each other.
So, this is what I think, made the difference.
Now, with husband number one, I didn't put a photo of myself on my profile.
The reason was it was the 90s, and it was such a faff to upload a photo then because you couldn't just scan it in, you had to post it.
You know me, I'm thrifty, I didn't want to spend the money on the stamp.
So, I didn't bother, I thought I can paint a picture of me just through words alone. So, I wrote like a sort of long funny broke every rule profile, and no one wrote to me because I didn't have a photo.
But my first husband, he did put a photo on his profile.
It was a lovely picture.
Man, if you just had a photo like this photo, you should use it.
Julie: What was he like?
Kate: Oh, God, he was a really handsome anyway, he had a goaty beard, he was slim and everything, and it was a black and white picture which has worked so well for men.
It was him sitting in a forest, so it's just kind of leaning on like a wood stump like that just looking so brooding, and it was just like oh, sexiest thing like ever.
It turned out actually that was a photo of him with a girlfriend.
He managed to crop her out perfectly, so I had no idea.
The thing about that because I've been the one who saw his picture and was really drawn to him, it kind of created that dynamic right at the beginning where I was really drawn to him physically and he didn't feel the same way about me.
I'm not sure if any relationship can really overcome that, I think that physical attraction should be there at the beginning, which I would urge you to use photos.
So for a second time around, for husband number two, I put photos up, and I put a very clear colorful one.
I had like a blue background, and it was a color one, so you could see all my red hair.
Smiley picture looking into the camera, but then I also put a mix of other slightly more everyday ones.
There was one picture I wasn't sure if I should put on there or not.
It was me, I was wearing, I don't like my arms and I never go to the gym so they're not very tones, so it was me in a T-shirt, and I was thinking "oh my arms!".
But me in a T-shirt and jeans just sitting, I had a cup of coffee, a friend had taken it of me, it was just me, not very much make up up just laughing in the garden.
I thought it was quite every day. I'll just put it and see what happens.
It turns out that was the photo that he really liked.
Forget the kind of glamorous professional headshot, it was the one of me with no makeup on laughing in the garden, and he still hasn't noticed my arms.
So, I would always put photos up, so you can get that attraction straightaway because we're still talking about attraction, people being attracted to each other.
So, husband number one, because I accidentally created this dynamic where I was all, I was so into him.
Julie: You were doing all the running.
Kate: I was doing all the running, I ran so much like my feet caught fire.
It wasn't really so, it was like that the whole relationship.
So, when it came to meeting up, I was the one who had to suggest a date.
What I find is, when you're the one suggesting the date, then you kind of have to tailor it to the person, or you have to make it a place that's convenient for them.
So, I suddenly found myself traipsing all across London to meet a man who wasn't that interested because he still didn't know what I looked like, it was wrong.
Then that, of course, I was running across London because it was sexy forest man, and I thought he was gorgeous. But that dynamic, I guess they just never went away.
So, our whole relationship, it was just, I wasn't in control.
Now, ladies, if you like -I'm being really old-fashioned- because it's what worked for me the second time around.
But if you are someone who likes the idea of choosing and pursuing and being in control of a relationship, that's absolutely fine.
But I think it helps to understand that in any relationship, you'll have a masculine energy and a feminine energy.
You really have to decide which one you're comfortable being because you can't then swap between the two.
So if you want to pursue someone, to choose, to be in that position, that makes you the masculine energy, which is fine, but then understand that that will probably go the whole relationship.
So, I'd started like the man chasing, but then later on I was like, I just want to be cherished, and it didn't work out.
So, second time around, of course, I was never going to ask anyone out because I thought no, I want to be pursued, I want to do this old-fashioned. I want to be cherished.I'm not going to ask anyone out.
So, I never suggested when I was writing to husband number two, I never suggested that we met up.
In fact, the longer it went on because I had that rule that the eight emails between us but it got to 10 and he had not ask me out.
I just started writing less and less to sort of briefer, I started living longer gaps.
So, he wasn't getting like a fix of me just by the messaging, he kind of thought, well, maybe we should meet in person.
Julie: Because he maybe thought you were losing interest.
Kate: A little kind of have to like pull back a little bit, if they're not asking, you out it's just a really nice way of starting to kind of give them less attention than they usually step up, or they fade away if they're not interested.
But remember, that's just redirection. If they fade away, that's good.
So, what actually happened was, I answering less and less, and then he finally asked me out, but by that point, I'd gone on a diet to sort the arms situation out.
It was a two-week intensive crash diet, and he was really handsome.
So, I thought I need to see him looking really nice.
So, I was so arrogant looking back, he said "can I meet you" and I said "I would absolutely love to meet you, but I can't meet you for two weeks" since I was on a diet, and I'm really busy for two weeks. I gave him a ticket number like we're in a deli, like your ticket is 881.
I gave him a ticket number. It's just kind of like cheeky and fun.
So, I know that kind of cheeky fun challenge it just worked.
It worked really well, he loved it.
It turned out he was so excited then about finally meeting me that we actually met on the day of the World Cup final the England, Germany one and he and Pete is like so into football, that he was so overcome with finally meeting this deli ticket number woman that he forgot, and he actually asked me out for three o'clock on that Sunday.
Julie: Kickoff.
Kate: Yeah, so I said "sorry can't make it".
I'm not trying to make out things like really arrogant, it was just that fun, playfulness and not doing all the running is what I really like in our relationship now.
In our relationship now he looks after me like emotionally, he makes sure that I feel alright, and I didn't have that first time around, and it was important to me.
I think that comes from the beginning.
Oh, and the first husband because I was nuts about him, really handsome forest: went exclusive with him straightaway.
Second time around, I knew that that was a mistake because, I think I've spoken about on these videos before about I have anxious attachment.
So, I like really attached when I like someone.
That I'd noticed the first time around with exclusive that I was just, I was living my life around him.
So, the second time around, I played the field and kept going on other dates until he asked me to be exclusive.
But because he was like the sort of person takes 10 emails to ask me out, that was actually two months.
So, for two months, I was still going on other dates, which kind of kept my feet on the ground.
It was slower, gentle.
Julie: You change the whole dynamic.
You actually really just learn, you thought what are the lessons I've learned and why?
Because I think that one of the great things about getting older and dating is that you actually do know what works.
You know what you're looking for in somebody else and what you need, what your values are, what you need.
Kate: I wanted old-fashioned.
Julie: There's nothing wrong with that, well, oh not at all.
Thank you, thank you for sharing that.
Questions from our members
Hi, I'm new to online dating. So, I've got no idea what to say, please help. I've got a lot to offer in romance and companionship. But I just can't make the first move.
Kate: So, I don't want you to worry too much about the contents of that first message, because it's not necessarily the contents of your message that's going to get a reply or not, that you have to remember the job that that first message does.
So, when someone receives your first message, what they're going to do is say "I got a message from him, I'm going to look at his profile".
So, it suggests to me there's something about your profile that just needs to be polished up a little bit, it might be that your photo, it probably isn't, your photos aren't working as hard for you as they can.
So I want you to look again at your profile photos and just check you're not haven't made any mistakes, like having a little holiday picture where you're a tiny pixel in front of like the pyramids or somewhere exotic.
That's kind of good for an icebreaker picture that we need to see your face.
So, I'd probably get one of your friends or nice female friends, just to go through your profile, and make sure that it's selling you in the right way.
Also, maybe write more words, it can be that you're coming over as a bit brief and disinterested.
When all that's done, then start looking at the messages you're sending.
They can be very short, but I think we've learned tonight like the power of a question. So ask them if they mentioned books.
I mean, take Jeff's line, just ask them what book, it worked for Jeff, ask them what book they're reading at the moment?
Or if they like live music, what concert do you wish that you could have gone to, like for me, I would have loved to have gone to Woodstock.
Julie: That's a brilliant question.
I'm scared to post a picture of myself because I don't feel attractive. I'm scared if nobody likes me, how it will make me feel?
Kate: Christina, it won't make you feel any worse than you actually do now.
Please, honestly, I went through this. Remember with the fat arms and the red hair.
Because the awful thing about knowing so much about dating is I know what's successful or not.
Red hair, I read is the least popular hair color online.
So second time around when I was 40, a single mom huge arms red hair, I thought this just isn't going to work for me.
But I tried it anyway, and that is what I really want you to do.
So, I want you to go back, do all the things that we did about impostor syndrome, and just take those tiny baby steps toward it.
Remember, if someone isn't attracted to your profile, you're not going to know because they're not going to write to you and say, "Christina, I'm sorry, you're not my type", they're just not going to contact you.
So instead of worrying about who isn't interested in you, I really want you to look at the people that are writing to you to really, really look at them, like, appreciate them.
And then that will start boosting your confidence more and more and more.
Then you will find that naturally you do things that make you feel really good.
You'll buy any top because your mood will be lifted, you'll start feeling really good about yourself.
Don't dye your hair red, it does not work online.
But you'll find that the love will grow, the self-love will grow.
So do everything you can to banish the impostor syndrome.
It's just impostor syndrome.
Key takeaways
Kate: So for this, I think the message here is that online dating works.
So, even if you write the long profiles, or the short three sentence profiles, there's someone out there that will be attracted to you.
Don't be afraid to get an input on your profile from a friend.
Let them help you choose your photos and give you an outsider's view.
Never stay in a relationship where you're the only person putting all the effort in.