Do you feel like you’re on a roller coaster of love with your partner? Do they go from hot to cold in the blink of an eye? This ‘hot and cold’ game can be one of the most confusing aspects of a relationship. If you’re not sure why it’s happening, the impact can be devastating.
What is hot and cold behaviour?
Some men can be very contradictory in their behaviour. When someone is affectionate one minute, and then seemingly uncaring the next, you’ve got a ‘hot and cold’ situation on your hands. Taking the time to understand the underlying reasons will help you make sense of what can be a very confusing situation.
Why is he acting so hot and cold with me?
Here are some of the main reasons this can be happening.
1. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
Men communicate differently than women. They may not talk as openly and honestly about their emotions or articulate their feelings in the same way that women do. His behaviour may be because he struggles to express his feelings.
2. Lack of emotional maturity
Some guys simply lack emotional maturity and have difficulty connecting with their partners. They will likely improve with age and life experience, but can you afford to wait?
3. Fear of commitment
His hot and cold behaviour may reflect his feelings about the relationship. One day he’s sure that he’s ready to commit, the next he has cold feet. It could mean he’s unsure if he wants to commit or that he is still not over a previous relationship.
4. Desire for control
In some cases, it may be related to a desire for control. This is a misguided attempt to steer the relationship the way he wants it or even worse, to gain a sense of power. Beware!
5. Lack of Communication
Men can become hot and cold when there is a lack of communication in the relationship. It can happen when he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing his feelings with you, or if he is not fully committed.
How does hot and cold behaviour impact a relationship?
Whatever the underlying reasons are, they can have a negative impact if not addressed. When he’s constantly flip-flopping, you can’t get a sense of where the relationship is going. Ignoring the issue won’t make it go away and it can spell the end of your time together.
What red flags should I watch out for?
Not every short-term change in emotion is outside the range of normal behaviour. Here are some red flags to watch out for.
- He doesn’t take responsibility
If he doesn’t acknowledge his behaviour, makes excuses, or shifts the blame onto you, it can be a sign of a more serious underlying issue.
- He is unpredictable and unreliable
If he is inconsistently hot and cold and you can’t rely on him, it takes things to another level. If it is impacting social events or your domestic arrangements, you need to take action. He might not be the Mr. Right you’re looking for.
- He is emotionally closed off
If he’s not comfortable talking about his feelings and avoids talking about the future, it could be a sign that he doesn’t want to commit. Do you want a long-term relationship with someone who is not emotionally available to you?
- He is overly defensive
If he acts overly defensive and becomes hostile or dismissive when you try to talk with him, he may be trying to deflect blame. What’s he hiding?
What to do if your guy starts behaving hot and cold
Although it can be difficult, it’s important to take the time to analyse the situation and take active steps to resolve it.
Here are some strategies you can implement right away.
1. Have an honest conversation
This is an opportunity for you to express your feelings and get a better understanding of his reasons for behaving this way. Stay open-minded and listen to what he has to say. There might be a perfectly simple explanation and an open dialogue will resolve any misunderstandings.
2. Don’t take it personally
Stay level-headed and don’t take his hot and cold behaviour personally, even if it is directed at you. Men often pull away due to insecurity or fear of commitment and these behaviours are not necessarily a reflection of how they feel about you.
3. Protect yourself
Take care of yourself and protect your own emotions during this time. Being in a relationship with someone who is hot and cold all the time can be draining. Until the issue is resolved, surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself.
4. Articulate your needs
You need to hear his side, but it’s equally important to communicate yours too. Express your concerns in an assertive manner. Let him know it bothers you when he acts distant or cold. If he’s paying you no attention and you’re feeling neglected, don’t hide it!
When to Consider Ending the Relationship
If you have taken all of the above steps and the behaviour persists or he refuses to open up about his feelings, the writing may be on the wall. Although it can be hard, let him know your feelings about this and if things still don’t change, it could be time to move on.
Key points
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